1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

A  mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see..... 

The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please! The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk. 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite  stunned. 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the  license. He looks quite puzzled. 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.
      
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
    
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
    
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.  
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
    
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
      
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.
    
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
    
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi,  this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
        
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
    
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up..
    
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
    
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
      
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1.
  
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34  Oaktree  Blvd , in Fairfax, A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer  parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
    
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
    
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
      
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.